I'll start out there. Years from now, when Landon is reading this, he'll probably understand this about his often over-analytical mama. And maybe he'll be the same way...after all, it could be in the genes. Or perhaps it's simply a 'mama thing'. Either way, sometimes these thoughts/passions/feelings/words swim around in my head and keep me up at night. With eyes trained toward the cealing, it is in the soft, hushed, buzzing darkness that I can't quite figure out if it's my head or heart keeping me up; they are too closely tied. I wonder and worry, think and pray...all about that which I am most passionate about; parenting my sweet little boy. I'm sure that I'm not alone in this. Parenthood (even this far) has been the most suprising journey. If you would have asked me what I pictured my life to be like with a 13 month old BEFORE having kids, I would have painted a portrait far different than the gloriously messy, hilariously chaotic, deeply love-filled and soul-warming reality that is my life today with Landon. Let's start at the beginning.
With swollen belly and anxious heart, my nine-month-pregnant self tidied up Landon's nursery. I carefully aranged extra bottles, pacifiers, swaddle blankets, bouncy seats, vibrating swings, expensive and pretty bedding, bassinettes, changing tables, cribs...you name it, we had it! This kid had more 'gear' than space in our house. And I CARED about the gear, boy did I ever. I had visions of how cute my little bundle would be lying peacefully in his designer bassinette. I daydreamed about how Landon would coo and smile at me from one of his plastic baby-holding contraptions as I whistled and cleaned my tidy house.
It seems so shallow now...this neat, shrink-wrapped idea of what I thought motherhood with an infant to be. Perhaps this is just a normal step in the metamorphasis one undertakes when becoming a parent. I imagine God chuckling at parents like me...seeing our eyes widen in amazement when suddenly....REALITY hits!
Landon arrived....
He was perfect and beautiful and the very embodiment of LOVE....
BUT....
He did not ONCE sleep peacefully in his designer bassinnette, most of the plastic contraptions irritated him, and the bottles....HA! Landon had other plans.
He yearned for nearness, for warmth, for cuddles, for smiles, for the sound of mom's heartbeat. He NEEDED relationship, he had NO need for all of the gear. :)
And so began my first lesson.
I read recently a notion that children are like little 'holy' teachers, imparting on us wisdom that reflects God's heart and what is truly important in life....if we only take the time to 'listen'. What an idea! The most humble, powerless, and innocent of all, teaching...not by preaching, not by wielding force, not by employing an agenda or caring what other people think...but simply by honest example.
It's all about relationship.
My little 'holy' teacher chose this as his first, and quite possibly most important lesson. And when the veneer of my ludicrious pre-conceived notions and expectations began to crack, a simple and beautiful truth began to shine through.
The details, the schedules, the 'stuff' isn't important.
It's all about relationship. Parenting, marriage, family, life, love....God.
As Landon grows, Mike and I hope to always value this truth in our parenting.
When tempted to anger, we hope to instead chose patience.
When led astray by distractions, we hope to embrace spontaneity and opt to be present with our child.
When faced with an easy-out, we hope walk the path of highest integrity alongside Landon, however rough it may be.
It's all about relationship.
If I could write a letter and send it back in time to my pre-parent self, it may say simply that. :)
